As a writer, I find it interesting that, within my own personal relationships, I have a hard time communicating. Oh the irony. I can whip out a blog post regarding my inner most feelings on a very broad personal level to share with the world, but I can't seem to have a face to face conversation with the people close to me about those same inner most feelings and how they apply to said relationship.
What gives? When I hit send on a post and surrender it to the Universe, I know that there will be no confrontation. Now for me understand that confrontation simply means talking most of the time. It's not like I have been verbally attacked before. I don't like to share my feelings, unless it's on paper and has been stretched and molded to fit a more universal topic.
I'm trying to understand why this is. I love words. I have always poured my thoughts out in a journal. And yet, these days, I can't tell you the last time I picked up a journal and wrote anything down.
What I do know is that I am terrified of confrontation - to the point of doing a damn good job of placing all of my feelings in a tight container that I hold very close. And the words are stuck inside me, weights that are dragging me down and pulling me under.
I know this is unhealthy not only for me, but for my relationships. I'm trying to dig deep to understand where this all began. At this point I have no answers.
I suspect that it has to do with my self-esteem/worth issues. And honestly, I don't even know why I'm writing this other than to throw this out into the Universe as a sort of signal - i know I have a problem, please help.
The only thing I know for sure is that I am a part of something grand and beautiful and in my struggles and fears I know there is a lesson to be learned. I trust that when I can find the courage to listen, the Universe will reveal it to me. In the meantime, I do the only thing I know I can- I keep on swimming.
Feeling hopeful from the deep end,